Swede Sixteen

captureYes, it’s a disco ball made with hypodermic needles. Get in the car, I’ll explain everything on the way.

So I decided to bring my work home and attempt some science parodies. This is the first crack, inspired by my daughter bringing home a permission slip for her meningitis vaccine – provided to all 15 year-olds nowadays – thanks Aussie government! But where the bloody hell were you when I was her age ?! Oh the current vaccine hadn’t been developed then? Okay. And now it has! Thanks science! That’s way cool! So many people to thank! If I sound overly exuberant, it’s just all the gratitude spilling over as I think back to that time when I was sixteen and doctors and nurses recognised that I had contracted bacterial meningitis and gave me very swift and life-saving medical treatment ultimately leading me here to write this tonight. In a way, you could say that this blog is their fault.

Bacterial meningitis,  by the way,  is an inflammation / infection of the membranes that line the brain and spinal cord which can kill and it hurts a real lot the whole time you have it. 0/10 would not recommend.

Speaking of history, I’ve repurposed ABBA’s Waterloo to make it slightly less about Napoleon and slightly more about herd immunity:

Vaccinate
When I
Was a teen, meningitis almost killed me
And now
My teenage kid is far less bound to endure a similar fate
Thanks to some science know-how
We have a vaccine for it now

Vaccinate, save a life now before it’s too late
Vaccinate, keep your immunity up to date
Vaccinate, the science is clear there is no ‘debate’
Vaccinate, a ‘simple’ disease can debilitate
Oh, oh, oh, oh, vaccinate, wherever you can, you should vaccinate

Oh no
There are a few who cannot have the vaccines
And so
It falls in us to shield these folks the best we can
And the easiest way to comply
Is to immunise you and I

Vaccinate, old time diseases, we had them licked
Vaccinate, misinformation had some people tricked
Vaccinate, as a result, they became less strict
Vaccinate, and measles has horrible pain to inflict
Oh, oh, oh, oh, vaccinate, time to kick measles right in the dick

And the easiest way to comply
Is to immunise you and I

Vaccinate, don’t risk our kids over some old hoax
Vaccinate, polio’s no fun for any folks
Vaccinate, we could get HPV on the ropes
Vaccinate, see if it’s time for your booster dose

Oh, oh, oh, oh, vaccinate give these diseases the adios

Vaccinate, sometimes the little things help the most

(c) 2019

Terms (and Conditions) of Endearment

Really not feeling the love on the motorcycle forums lately, but, this being the internet, that’s okay because I’ve found ready and open arms elsewhere. Being Valentines Day and whatnot, here’s a satirical take on that, through the complete exploitation of the otherwise excellent Tim Minchin song If You Really Loved Me.

If You Nearly Loved Me

Sharing is caring, and if you were daring
You’d carve our initials into a police-bike’s faring
Yes, I know, this fleet is being phased out
But pedantry’s not what love is about
If you loved me unconditionally
You’d devise a scheme such as this for me

Because we go together
Like kisses and hugs
Like Twitter and cheap vodka
Like footballers and drugs
And if you had me in your heart
Then you wouldn’t fob me off, and force me to start
A blog on your attitude – if that’s what I have to do
Perhaps you’d show, oh I don’t know, a little more gratitude?!
But hey that’s crazy, I’m sure we’ll be fine
Our destinies being intertwined

We’re a natural fit
Like a troll and a n00b
Like derp and YouTube comments
Like Instagram and food
And if you really wanted to flesh out your role
You’d vote for my friend in all their online polls
Which I don’t consider to be cheating
Sometimes the odds could do with some tweaking
I’m not trying to make a fuss
Just trying to make a future for us

I crave you
The way a blogger craves attention
Or a rider craves a twisty road
Or an incel craves affection

And if you love me as mentioned before
You’ll agree there’s room for one more
And who doesn’t like to share a dessert
That has low self esteem and a tight-fitting shirt
You and I share a sweet tooth
But the pudding is where you’ll find the proof
And love is not always syrup and dumplings
There’s likes, follows, DMs and leg-humping
And no one said love is easy
But if you love me as much as you say
You’ll bring home some take-away

We belong together
Like an activist and a dream
Like a slactkivist and a meme
Like a hacktivist and a scheme

And if you feel romantically inclined
Then, by all means, defend my honour online
And challenge my opponents to a pistol duel
When I find their comments hurtful or cruel
Should the old-fashion pistols themselves attract scorn,
Then track-days, or flame wars, or wheelies at dawn
Are all okay too
It’s what lovers do

We’re a true pairing
Like festivals and pills
Like Gore-tex and Kevlar
Like swerves and oil-spills

And if our love is on the right path
You’ll give my Ninja ZX-R a lovely bath
Surely a wax is not that much to ask
Just a little work to clear up a few scrapes and scuffs
An oil change, a chain lube, a polish and buff
If you cared about me, you’d take care of that stuff
To free up my time while I watch MotoGP
If you loved me unconditionally

(c) 2019

A Taylor-made Lesson Plan

Amazingly, this is more fun that rewriting the Integrated Science program.

My take on the Taylor Swift earworm ‘Shake It Off’ (long story short: haters gonna H8, teachers gonna procrastin8)

Teach Them All

I get too much pay, too much holidays,
That’s what people say, mmm hmm, that’s what people say, mmm hmmm
It must be easy, workin’ nine to three
That’s what they tell me, mmm hmm, that’s what they tell me, mmm hmm
But I keep on stressin’, planning science lessons
It’s like I got this voice in my mind saying no student left behind

‘Cause the haters gonna bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch
And the kids are gonna twitch, twitch, twitch, twitch, twitch
Baby, I’m just gonna teach, teach, teach, teach, teach,
Teach them all, teach them all
Daydreamers try to sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep
And the naughty kids will sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak
Baby, I’m just gonna teach, teach, teach, teach, teach,

Teach them all, teach them all

I take the highs and lows, it keeps me on my toes
And that’s the way it goes mmm hmm, that’s the way it goes mmm hmm
I firmly plant my feet, I won’t let these kids retreat
And that’s what no one sees mmm hmm, that’s what they don’t see mmm hmm
But I’m in their corner, always pushing forward
It’s like I got this voice in my mind saying no student left behind

‘Cause the haters gonna bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch
And the kids are gonna twitch, twitch, twitch, twitch, twitch
Baby, I’m just gonna teach, teach, teach, teach, teach,
Teach them all, teach them all
Daydreamers try to sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep
And the naughty kids will sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak
Baby, I’m just gonna teach, teach, teach, teach, teach,

Teach them all, teach them all

I teach them all, teach them all
I teach them all, teach them all
I, I teach them all, I teach them all
I, I teach them all, I teach them all
I, I teach them all, I teach them all

Hey, hey, hey
Just think while I’ve used several weekends writing well-thought out report comments that some parents won’t ever read

You could have been getting down to
this
fresh
take

Your first-born, your true pride and joy
Is a rude little boy, but I’m still gonna teach him
And your twelve-year-old niece
Rolls her eyes and says “whatever”
I’m gonna teach her too, because I know she can do better 

‘Cause the haters gonna bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch
And the kids are gonna twitch, twitch, twitch, twitch, twitch
Baby, I’m just gonna teach, teach, teach, teach, teach,

Teach them all, teach them all

Daydreamers try to sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep
And the naughty kids will sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak
Baby, I’m just gonna teach, teach, teach, teach, teach,
I teach them all, I teach them all
I teach them all, I teach them all
I, I teach them all, I teach them all
I, I teach them all, I teach them all
I, I teach them all, I teach them all
I teach them all, I teach them all
I, I teach them all, I teach them all
I, I teach them all, I teach them all
I, I teach them all, I teach them all

(c) 2019

 

A Nod and a Don

Water is appearing in Perth skies in mid-October, so obviously the citizenry has to some degree been losing its collective shit. This parody of the 1984 Don Henley song Boys of Summer, is my tribute to the stoic resolve of those motorcyclists who are compelled to ride in wintery conditions, by either circumstance or sheer madness.  In lieu of a salute – not the appropriate manoeuvre while riding – I offer that powerfully succinct gesture which seeks to unite us in our times of peak anonymity: *nods*

Toys of Summer
Silent drizzle from the dark sky
Sprayed at me from cars
A chill in the air
And in gore-tex and kevlar
Mild headwinds, slippery roads,
Cagers brake too soon
A droplet finds it way in
What the hell am I doing?

Then I see you
Your headlight peerin’ through the grey
You got your high beam on and that’s okay, baby
And I can tell you, your nod makes me feel less alone
Now that the toys of summer have gone

I never will forget that ride
How many k’s in all?
Remember who I shadowed there?
Remember how my own bike stalled?
Now I can understand
Why some won’t come to play,
But babe I’m gonna be out there
A few clouds won’t scare me away

Then I see you
The rain beads on your leather
I see you grit your teeth through
This fkn weather
I can tell you, the sight of you makes me feel strong
After the toys of summer have gone

Out on the road today I saw a first aid sticker on a four-wheel drive
A little voice inside my head said, “Heed that omen to stay alive.”
I thought I had common sense – what would I know?
The road whispers my name and off I go

Then I see you
At the Give Way sign
The rain briefly clears making
Everything shine, baby
And I can tell you your nod puts me back in the zone
After the toys of summer have gone

Then I see you
Your headlight peerin’ through the grey
You got your high beam on and
That’s okay, baby
And I can tell you, your nod has got me going strong
Now that the toys of summer have gone

Footnotes: cager = term used by motorcyclists and cyclists to denote the driver of a four-wheeled motor vehicle. Gore-Tex and Kevlar are trademarks (of products designed to prevent, respectively, water saturation and death by gravel-rash).

Born to Ride

[ Original song: Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band, although I quite fancied the cover by Frankie Goes to Hollywood and often sing that version in my head. There I said it.

FNR = Friday Night Ride, a group ride organised on the internet for skilled riders, and alleged to be of a rather enthusiastic pace ] .

Born to Run
In the day we tear it up in the hijinks of runaway off-topic threads
At night we ride through the back-roads and highways with the mongrels and thoroughbreds
Sprung from driveways obscure and discreet
High-octane premium and taking over the streets
Baby this town is half-asleep
We’re the black sheep, we’re in waist deep
We gotta take that in our stride
`Cos tramps like us, baby we were born to ride

Clear out some DMs I wanna be your friend
I want to sneak in under your guard
Just perch your feet on the pillion pegs
And hold on fairly hard
Together we could split from the pack
We can set the pace before leisurely dropping back
Will you give me the nod to go
`Cos baby I’m just a scared and lonely rider
But I gotta escape this place
And if I’m going to fall, it might as well be from grace

Down by the river a low rumbling growl stirs along The Boulevard
Meanwhile coastal roads bear the high-pitched roar
That marks the start of the FNR
High-beams at night cast an eerie light
As we carve through the Swan Valley mist
Then you drop a gear and scream ahead
An invitation too good to resist

The tunnel’s lit up with all the excitement of an overdue social run
Everybody’s out to be seen tonight but I’m only looking for one
Together one day we can live with the derp
I’ll rub out this hurt and baby we’ll never look back
Someday soon, I can’t say when, were gonna get to that place
Where we really should be and we won’t have to hide
But till then, tramps like us, baby we were born to ride

AntiSocial Media

Thanks for indulging me this small departure from the gleefully cheerful.

ffffuuuu

Incidentally, I once posted a small part of the “Hey, ladies” verse on a forum and, boy, did one of the men not like it. (Posted in response to him & his mates inserting/condoning off-topic jokes about domestic violence into a thread). Said person got a bit cranky calling me, among other things, a “Wah wah wah woe is me Germaine Greer wanna-be” and, worse still, a B-grade satirist! Goodness me! *clutches pearls*

That’s what made me see the light and realise that gender is totes not an issue on this democratised internet highway, and I’ve not noticed any problems since.

Yeah, nah… I’ve tweaked it a little to reflect my more broad internet experiences since and the “culture wars” and whatnot. And putting it here to get it out of my head. Then I can be happy for the next post. Promise!

Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
[Original song: Things That Make You Go Hmmmm, C & C Music Factory]

I was at home; browsing through the forums,
“Time for bed”, I started to think
A small bell chimed: new email
So I decided to clink on the link
Another DM from a forum site
Seems ro be a user I either don’t know or like
Disagrees in a way that is strong
Won’t post it in the thread in case they are wrong
I’m slightly bemused by the sneaking around
Maybe they’re just keeping their post-count down
I didn’t realize it was that serious
I’m a little creeped out. Enough of this!
So I give a polite but stern telling off
I don’t wanter to enter into their dialogue
Meanwhile I get another DM
I said “For cereal”?

(Chorus)
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU…., FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU…., FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….

So here’s the thing:
Any kind of online community
Might think they can act with impunity
Say what they like, form a joint strike
Because they have friends, but it all depends
Only the speech is the part that is free
And depending on content, that’s no guarantee
For every target they have produced
They don’t think it through and the hens come to roost
Consequences aren’t always nice
Free speech has a logical price
Society moves forward and onto new ground
But some fear the change and will just double-down
In doing so risk falling onto their sword
Or a fate even worse: they will be ignored
If you fight social justice to keep it in check
I guess you have more than your share to protect

Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU…., FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU…., FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….

OK Mods – break it down!

Give me rep
Give me rep
Give me rep
Give me rep (x7)

2014 and we had #GamerGate
A leaderless rabble emboldened by hate
I come under fire from an angry obsessive
Unable to budge towards the progressive
I plea to be calmer and stick to the topic
But he has all  the feels and becomes more myopic
Unable to accept the judges decision
He spews rapid-fire, the usual derision
Virtue-signalling becomes the town bike
Calls me triggered, too ugly, a dyke,
SJW, snowflake, and so on
Feminazi, misandrist, I could go on
Ad-hominem attacks flow
Because I’m questioning the status quo
And daring to muscle into his space
Toe-to-toe the new face-to-face
Tagged into a lengthy twitter thread when
I don’t explicitly state that it’s #NotAllMen
unable to see I’m out on a limb
Just making sure I know it’s not about him
Tired and busy, it’s a civil retreat
He gloats, he clearly has me beat
He dusts his knuckles, turns back to his crew
says “It’s political correctness gone mad, I tell you…”

Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU…., FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU…., FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….

(Repeat Chorus)

Hey ladies
Have you ever held your tongue
When you felt in your gut it was a bit wrong
To laugh at backhander and slapped-that-bitch jokes
You’re much better off ignoring the post
And if you do speak up you already know
You might be told: tits or GTFO
HTFU princess, it’s alright
It’s totally cool, we’re not like that in real life
By some dude whose impropriety
Secures him a reward of notoriety
Nastily sneering, off-topic, unpleasant
Seen as a harmless persona, a mere on-line presence
Take a deep breath, you mustn’t get rattled
Your words represent you, so you choose your battle
S
tayin’ up late, writing from your gut

Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….,FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….,FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….

Happy Morty-Seventh Birthday, Elroy*^

* You don’t look a day over Morty-Five.
^ Alternative blog-post title: DisGraceland.

Anyway, here’s a little parody of the Paul Simon classic You Can Call Me Al.

You Can Call Me Rick

A man walks through a portal
He says, “What are you still doing here?
We gotta get moving now.
Quit whining, I’ll explain on the way
I need some supplies from the garage
We need to cover our tracks
We know the bigger picture
Just like all those
Lawnmower, lawnmower
Dogs becoming astronauts
Preventing the inevitable cross-species war”
I’m Mr. Meeseeks, Look at me!
Release me from this misery
You know, I don’t think this is all worth Jerry’s lower golf score

If you’ll be my protégé
I can be your new yard stick
I can call you Morty
And Morty, when you call me
You can call me Rick

A man runs from an assassin
He says, “What is the point of affection?
A neurochemical misdirection
To keep our species humming along
There’s no promiscuity
When your old flame is Unity
Who’ll comfort our old selves
Now that our old selves are
Gone, gone?
Buried in our own backyard
By our other new selves next to Snuffles’ old toys
All alone, alone”
There were quantum entanglements
There were overlapping timelines

If you’re an enabler
I can be an alcoholic
I can call you Morty
And Morty, when you call me
You can call me Rick
Call me Rick

A man calls to his family
They approach him sceptically
He’s avoiding therapy
With this new pickle stunt, but Beth’s a step ahead
She takes the antidote
He fights, then wears, a cockroach
He looks around, around
He sees weapons in the debris
Every swirling possibility
He says, “I’m Pickle Riiick!”

If you hold me in high regard
I’ll free you from the everyday shtick
I can call you Morty
And Morty, when you call me
You can call me Rick
Call me
Na na na na …

If you’ll be my protégé

I can be your new yard stick

I can call you Morty