A Nod and a Don

Water is appearing in Perth skies in mid-October, so obviously the citizenry has to some degree been losing its collective shit. This parody of the 1984 Don Henley song Boys of Summer, is my tribute to the stoic resolve of those motorcyclists who are compelled to ride in wintery conditions, by either circumstance or sheer madness.  In lieu of a salute – not the appropriate manoeuvre while riding – I offer that powerfully succinct gesture which seeks to unite us in our times of peak anonymity: *nods*

Toys of Summer
Silent drizzle from the dark sky
Sprayed at me from cars
A chill in the air
And in gore-tex and kevlar
Mild headwinds, slippery roads,
Cagers brake too soon
A droplet finds it way in
What the hell am I doing?

Then I see you
Your headlight peerin’ through the grey
You got your high beam on and that’s okay, baby
And I can tell you, your nod makes me feel less alone
Now that the toys of summer have gone

I never will forget that ride
How many k’s in all?
Remember who I shadowed there?
Remember how my own bike stalled?
Now I can understand
Why some won’t come to play,
But babe I’m gonna be out there
A few clouds won’t scare me away

Then I see you
The rain beads on your leather
I see you grit your teeth through
This fkn weather
I can tell you, the sight of you makes me feel strong
After the toys of summer have gone

Out on the road today I saw a first aid sticker on a four-wheel drive
A little voice inside my head said, “Heed that omen to stay alive.”
I thought I had common sense – what would I know?
The road whispers my name and off I go

Then I see you
At the Give Way sign
The rain briefly clears making
Everything shine, baby
And I can tell you your nod puts me back in the zone
After the toys of summer have gone

Then I see you
Your headlight peerin’ through the grey
You got your high beam on and
That’s okay, baby
And I can tell you, your nod has got me going strong
Now that the toys of summer have gone

Footnotes: cager = term used by motorcyclists and cyclists to denote the driver of a four-wheeled motor vehicle. Gore-Tex and Kevlar are trademarks (of products designed to prevent, respectively, water saturation and death by gravel-rash).

Happy Morty-Seventh Birthday, Elroy*^

* You don’t look a day over Morty-Five.
^ Alternative blog-post title: DisGraceland.

Anyway, here’s a little parody of the Paul Simon classic You Can Call Me Al.

You Can Call Me Rick

A man walks through a portal
He says, “What are you still doing here?
We gotta get moving now.
Quit whining, I’ll explain on the way
I need some supplies from the garage
We need to cover our tracks
We know the bigger picture
Just like all those
Lawnmower, lawnmower
Dogs becoming astronauts
Preventing the inevitable cross-species war”
I’m Mr. Meeseeks, Look at me!
Release me from this misery
You know, I don’t think this is all worth Jerry’s lower golf score

If you’ll be my protégé
I can be your new yard stick
I can call you Morty
And Morty, when you call me
You can call me Rick

A man runs from an assassin
He says, “What is the point of affection?
A neurochemical misdirection
To keep our species humming along
There’s no promiscuity
When your old flame is Unity
Who’ll comfort our old selves
Now that our old selves are
Gone, gone?
Buried in our own backyard
By our other new selves next to Snuffles’ old toys
All alone, alone”
There were quantum entanglements
There were overlapping timelines

If you’re an enabler
I can be an alcoholic
I can call you Morty
And Morty, when you call me
You can call me Rick
Call me Rick

A man calls to his family
They approach him sceptically
He’s avoiding therapy
With this new pickle stunt, but Beth’s a step ahead
She takes the antidote
He fights, then wears, a cockroach
He looks around, around
He sees weapons in the debris
Every swirling possibility
He says, “I’m Pickle Riiick!”

If you hold me in high regard
I’ll free you from the everyday shtick
I can call you Morty
And Morty, when you call me
You can call me Rick
Call me
Na na na na …

If you’ll be my protégé

I can be your new yard stick

I can call you Morty

Bon Joviality

WORTH IT just for the title,

[My take on internet chatroom decorum and the lack thereof, by way of parody of the Bon Jovi song Bad Medicine].

Bad Etiquette
Your post has such bad etiquette
Bad etiquette is all I see
Fix it up, all this bad etiquette
I’ve missed your point because you’re so hard to read
Bad etiquette

I don’t need no spell check ‘cos this ain’t no exam
But I’ll give it one more read and then I’ll fix what I can
And I got lots to say and I’m in kind of a rush
But a second to punctuate always lends the right touch
And I’ve got my own system and it helps things so much:

First you check
(That what you’re saying hasn’t just been said)
How’s the depth?
(Are you qualified or over your head?)
Now take a breath(Would it be different if you weren’t seeing red?)
And now I can’t be sure that you’re not trolling the thread
Whoah-oh-oh

Your post has such bad etiquette
Bad etiquette is all I see
Fix it up all this bad etiquette
I’ve missed your point because you’re so hard to read
Bad, bad etiquette

I DON’T NEED TO SHOUT OUT WITH ALL CAPS TO GET SEEN
And I don’t need five exclamation marks ‘cause I’m not thirteen!!!!!
I got a dirty down addiction that I don’t want to cure
And your petulant posturings don’t add to your allure
All those lolz and GIFs just make you hard to endure

First you check
(Is the thread marked Not-Safe-For-Work)
How’s your depth
(Will you be regarded with no more than a smirk)
Now take a breath
(Are you so cranky you’re becoming a jerk?)
Now you’re just the tool that’s clogging up the network
Whoah-oh-oh

Your post has such bad etiquette
Bad etiquette is all I see
Fix it up, all this bad etiquette
I’ve missed your point because you’re so hard to read
Bad, bad etiquette is all I see
Bad, bad etiquette is all I see

(guitar solo)

i need 2 rest up later cos im feeling fatigued cos ive bean staring 4 an our and its not from intrigue you must lern sum etiquette and ur not their yet then ur readers mite think ur finally showing them respect lol

Your post has such bad etiquette
Bad etiquette is all I see
Fix it up, all this bad etiquette
I’ve missed your point because you’re so hard to read

Your post has such bad etiquette
Bad etiquette is all I see
Fix it up, all this bad etiquette
I’ve missed your point because you’re so hard to read
Bad, bad etiquette, is all I see
Bad, bad etiquette

I gotta post, I gotta, I gotta post, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta
I gotta have the last word, wait a minute, wait a minute
Hold on, pop-corn
One more time, with feeling, thread bump
Alright, IBTL

Your post has such bad etiquette
Bad etiquette is all I see
Fix it up, all this bad etiquette
I’ve missed your point because you’re so hard to read
Your post, bad etiquette
A quick check is all you need

 

 

Riding Close to the Edge

[ A parody of the U2 song All I Want is You, first posted on a motorcycling forum a few years back]

You say you want
The bruises to go away
You say you want
To get through the next ride unscathed

For all the facetious things I say
From the persona that I portray
When all I want is you

You say you’ll give me
A group ride with no civilians
A forum with no pillions
Rep plus eleventy billion

You say you’ll give me
A shared joke amongst good friends
A journey with some sharp bends
Grammar that doesn’t offend

All the ninja edits that I make
The rants and the piss-takes
When all I want is you

You say you want
To understand me clearly
To impress me with a wheelie

You say you want
Time to chill out with me
Threads that aren’t so bitchy
A ride that’s fast and twisty

All the newbies and the trolls
All the emoticons and lols
When all I want is you

You say you want
Good riding weather today
The mods to look the other way
A post that isn’t an essay

You say you’ll give me
Secrets with no regrets
Brakes that work in the wet
Nine thousand Internets

Of all the promises I break
You’re my worst and best mistake
When all I want is you