Terms (and Conditions) of Endearment

Really not feeling the love on the motorcycle forums lately, but, this being the internet, that’s okay because I’ve found ready and open arms elsewhere. Being Valentines Day and whatnot, here’s a satirical take on that, through the complete exploitation of the otherwise excellent Tim Minchin song If You Really Loved Me.

If You Nearly Loved Me

Sharing is caring, and if you were daring
You’d carve our initials into a police-bike’s faring
Yes, I know, this fleet is being phased out
But pedantry’s not what love is about
If you loved me unconditionally
You’d devise a scheme such as this for me

Because we go together
Like kisses and hugs
Like Twitter and cheap vodka
Like footballers and drugs
And if you had me in your heart
Then you wouldn’t fob me off, and force me to start
A blog on your attitude – if that’s what I have to do
Perhaps you’d show, oh I don’t know, a little more gratitude?!
But hey that’s crazy, I’m sure we’ll be fine
Our destinies being intertwined

We’re a natural fit
Like a troll and a n00b
Like derp and YouTube comments
Like Instagram and food
And if you really wanted to flesh out your role
You’d vote for my friend in all their online polls
Which I don’t consider to be cheating
Sometimes the odds could do with some tweaking
I’m not trying to make a fuss
Just trying to make a future for us

I crave you
The way a blogger craves attention
Or a rider craves a twisty road
Or an incel craves affection

And if you love me as mentioned before
You’ll agree there’s room for one more
And who doesn’t like to share a dessert
That has low self esteem and a tight-fitting shirt
You and I share a sweet tooth
But the pudding is where you’ll find the proof
And love is not always syrup and dumplings
There’s likes, follows, DMs and leg-humping
And no one said love is easy
But if you love me as much as you say
You’ll bring home some take-away

We belong together
Like an activist and a dream
Like a slactkivist and a meme
Like a hacktivist and a scheme

And if you feel romantically inclined
Then, by all means, defend my honour online
And challenge my opponents to a pistol duel
When I find their comments hurtful or cruel
Should the old-fashion pistols themselves attract scorn,
Then track-days, or flame wars, or wheelies at dawn
Are all okay too
It’s what lovers do

We’re a true pairing
Like festivals and pills
Like Gore-tex and Kevlar
Like swerves and oil-spills

And if our love is on the right path
You’ll give my Ninja ZX-R a lovely bath
Surely a wax is not that much to ask
Just a little work to clear up a few scrapes and scuffs
An oil change, a chain lube, a polish and buff
If you cared about me, you’d take care of that stuff
To free up my time while I watch MotoGP
If you loved me unconditionally

(c) 2019

Born to Ride

[ Original song: Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band, although I quite fancied the cover by Frankie Goes to Hollywood and often sing that version in my head. There I said it.

FNR = Friday Night Ride, a group ride organised on the internet for skilled riders, and alleged to be of a rather enthusiastic pace ] .

Born to Run
In the day we tear it up in the hijinks of runaway off-topic threads
At night we ride through the back-roads and highways with the mongrels and thoroughbreds
Sprung from driveways obscure and discreet
High-octane premium and taking over the streets
Baby this town is half-asleep
We’re the black sheep, we’re in waist deep
We gotta take that in our stride
`Cos tramps like us, baby we were born to ride

Clear out some DMs I wanna be your friend
I want to sneak in under your guard
Just perch your feet on the pillion pegs
And hold on fairly hard
Together we could split from the pack
We can set the pace before leisurely dropping back
Will you give me the nod to go
`Cos baby I’m just a scared and lonely rider
But I gotta escape this place
And if I’m going to fall, it might as well be from grace

Down by the river a low rumbling growl stirs along The Boulevard
Meanwhile coastal roads bear the high-pitched roar
That marks the start of the FNR
High-beams at night cast an eerie light
As we carve through the Swan Valley mist
Then you drop a gear and scream ahead
An invitation too good to resist

The tunnel’s lit up with all the excitement of an overdue social run
Everybody’s out to be seen tonight but I’m only looking for one
Together one day we can live with the derp
I’ll rub out this hurt and baby we’ll never look back
Someday soon, I can’t say when, were gonna get to that place
Where we really should be and we won’t have to hide
But till then, tramps like us, baby we were born to ride

AntiSocial Media

Thanks for indulging me this small departure from the gleefully cheerful.

ffffuuuu

Incidentally, I once posted a small part of the “Hey, ladies” verse on a forum and, boy, did one of the men not like it. (Posted in response to him & his mates inserting/condoning off-topic jokes about domestic violence into a thread). Said person got a bit cranky calling me, among other things, a “Wah wah wah woe is me Germaine Greer wanna-be” and, worse still, a B-grade satirist! Goodness me! *clutches pearls*

That’s what made me see the light and realise that gender is totes not an issue on this democratised internet highway, and I’ve not noticed any problems since.

Yeah, nah… I’ve tweaked it a little to reflect my more broad internet experiences since and the “culture wars” and whatnot. And putting it here to get it out of my head. Then I can be happy for the next post. Promise!

Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
[Original song: Things That Make You Go Hmmmm, C & C Music Factory]

I was at home; browsing through the forums,
“Time for bed”, I started to think
A small bell chimed: new email
So I decided to clink on the link
Another DM from a forum site
Seems ro be a user I either don’t know or like
Disagrees in a way that is strong
Won’t post it in the thread in case they are wrong
I’m slightly bemused by the sneaking around
Maybe they’re just keeping their post-count down
I didn’t realize it was that serious
I’m a little creeped out. Enough of this!
So I give a polite but stern telling off
I don’t wanter to enter into their dialogue
Meanwhile I get another DM
I said “For cereal”?

(Chorus)
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU…., FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU…., FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….

So here’s the thing:
Any kind of online community
Might think they can act with impunity
Say what they like, form a joint strike
Because they have friends, but it all depends
Only the speech is the part that is free
And depending on content, that’s no guarantee
For every target they have produced
They don’t think it through and the hens come to roost
Consequences aren’t always nice
Free speech has a logical price
Society moves forward and onto new ground
But some fear the change and will just double-down
In doing so risk falling onto their sword
Or a fate even worse: they will be ignored
If you fight social justice to keep it in check
I guess you have more than your share to protect

Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU…., FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU…., FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….

OK Mods – break it down!

Give me rep
Give me rep
Give me rep
Give me rep (x7)

2014 and we had #GamerGate
A leaderless rabble emboldened by hate
I come under fire from an angry obsessive
Unable to budge towards the progressive
I plea to be calmer and stick to the topic
But he has all  the feels and becomes more myopic
Unable to accept the judges decision
He spews rapid-fire, the usual derision
Virtue-signalling becomes the town bike
Calls me triggered, too ugly, a dyke,
SJW, snowflake, and so on
Feminazi, misandrist, I could go on
Ad-hominem attacks flow
Because I’m questioning the status quo
And daring to muscle into his space
Toe-to-toe the new face-to-face
Tagged into a lengthy twitter thread when
I don’t explicitly state that it’s #NotAllMen
unable to see I’m out on a limb
Just making sure I know it’s not about him
Tired and busy, it’s a civil retreat
He gloats, he clearly has me beat
He dusts his knuckles, turns back to his crew
says “It’s political correctness gone mad, I tell you…”

Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU…., FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU…., FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….

(Repeat Chorus)

Hey ladies
Have you ever held your tongue
When you felt in your gut it was a bit wrong
To laugh at backhander and slapped-that-bitch jokes
You’re much better off ignoring the post
And if you do speak up you already know
You might be told: tits or GTFO
HTFU princess, it’s alright
It’s totally cool, we’re not like that in real life
By some dude whose impropriety
Secures him a reward of notoriety
Nastily sneering, off-topic, unpleasant
Seen as a harmless persona, a mere on-line presence
Take a deep breath, you mustn’t get rattled
Your words represent you, so you choose your battle
S
tayin’ up late, writing from your gut

Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….,FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….,FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….
Things that make me go FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU….

Bon Joviality

WORTH IT just for the title,

[My take on internet chatroom decorum and the lack thereof, by way of parody of the Bon Jovi song Bad Medicine].

Bad Etiquette
Your post has such bad etiquette
Bad etiquette is all I see
Fix it up, all this bad etiquette
I’ve missed your point because you’re so hard to read
Bad etiquette

I don’t need no spell check ‘cos this ain’t no exam
But I’ll give it one more read and then I’ll fix what I can
And I got lots to say and I’m in kind of a rush
But a second to punctuate always lends the right touch
And I’ve got my own system and it helps things so much:

First you check
(That what you’re saying hasn’t just been said)
How’s the depth?
(Are you qualified or over your head?)
Now take a breath(Would it be different if you weren’t seeing red?)
And now I can’t be sure that you’re not trolling the thread
Whoah-oh-oh

Your post has such bad etiquette
Bad etiquette is all I see
Fix it up all this bad etiquette
I’ve missed your point because you’re so hard to read
Bad, bad etiquette

I DON’T NEED TO SHOUT OUT WITH ALL CAPS TO GET SEEN
And I don’t need five exclamation marks ‘cause I’m not thirteen!!!!!
I got a dirty down addiction that I don’t want to cure
And your petulant posturings don’t add to your allure
All those lolz and GIFs just make you hard to endure

First you check
(Is the thread marked Not-Safe-For-Work)
How’s your depth
(Will you be regarded with no more than a smirk)
Now take a breath
(Are you so cranky you’re becoming a jerk?)
Now you’re just the tool that’s clogging up the network
Whoah-oh-oh

Your post has such bad etiquette
Bad etiquette is all I see
Fix it up, all this bad etiquette
I’ve missed your point because you’re so hard to read
Bad, bad etiquette is all I see
Bad, bad etiquette is all I see

(guitar solo)

i need 2 rest up later cos im feeling fatigued cos ive bean staring 4 an our and its not from intrigue you must lern sum etiquette and ur not their yet then ur readers mite think ur finally showing them respect lol

Your post has such bad etiquette
Bad etiquette is all I see
Fix it up, all this bad etiquette
I’ve missed your point because you’re so hard to read

Your post has such bad etiquette
Bad etiquette is all I see
Fix it up, all this bad etiquette
I’ve missed your point because you’re so hard to read
Bad, bad etiquette, is all I see
Bad, bad etiquette

I gotta post, I gotta, I gotta post, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta
I gotta have the last word, wait a minute, wait a minute
Hold on, pop-corn
One more time, with feeling, thread bump
Alright, IBTL

Your post has such bad etiquette
Bad etiquette is all I see
Fix it up, all this bad etiquette
I’ve missed your point because you’re so hard to read
Your post, bad etiquette
A quick check is all you need

 

 

Riding Close to the Edge

[ A parody of the U2 song All I Want is You, first posted on a motorcycling forum a few years back]

You say you want
The bruises to go away
You say you want
To get through the next ride unscathed

For all the facetious things I say
From the persona that I portray
When all I want is you

You say you’ll give me
A group ride with no civilians
A forum with no pillions
Rep plus eleventy billion

You say you’ll give me
A shared joke amongst good friends
A journey with some sharp bends
Grammar that doesn’t offend

All the ninja edits that I make
The rants and the piss-takes
When all I want is you

You say you want
To understand me clearly
To impress me with a wheelie

You say you want
Time to chill out with me
Threads that aren’t so bitchy
A ride that’s fast and twisty

All the newbies and the trolls
All the emoticons and lols
When all I want is you

You say you want
Good riding weather today
The mods to look the other way
A post that isn’t an essay

You say you’ll give me
Secrets with no regrets
Brakes that work in the wet
Nine thousand Internets

Of all the promises I break
You’re my worst and best mistake
When all I want is you