Swede Sixteen

captureYes, it’s a disco ball made with hypodermic needles. Get in the car, I’ll explain everything on the way.

So I decided to bring my work home and attempt some science parodies. This is the first crack, inspired by my daughter bringing home a permission slip for her meningitis vaccine – provided to all 15 year-olds nowadays – thanks Aussie government! But where the bloody hell were you when I was her age ?! Oh the current vaccine hadn’t been developed then? Okay. And now it has! Thanks science! That’s way cool! So many people to thank! If I sound overly exuberant, it’s just all the gratitude spilling over as I think back to that time when I was sixteen and doctors and nurses recognised that I had contracted bacterial meningitis and gave me very swift and life-saving medical treatment ultimately leading me here to write this tonight. In a way, you could say that this blog is their fault.

Bacterial meningitis,  by the way,  is an inflammation / infection of the membranes that line the brain and spinal cord which can kill and it hurts a real lot the whole time you have it. 0/10 would not recommend.

Speaking of history, I’ve repurposed ABBA’s Waterloo to make it slightly less about Napoleon and slightly more about herd immunity:

Vaccinate
When I
Was a teen, meningitis almost killed me
And now
My teenage kid is far less bound to endure a similar fate
Thanks to some science know-how
We have a vaccine for it now

Vaccinate, save a life now before it’s too late
Vaccinate, keep your immunity up to date
Vaccinate, the science is clear there is no ‘debate’
Vaccinate, a ‘simple’ disease can debilitate
Oh, oh, oh, oh, vaccinate, wherever you can, you should vaccinate

Oh no
There are a few who cannot have the vaccines
And so
It falls in us to shield these folks the best we can
And the easiest way to comply
Is to immunise you and I

Vaccinate, old time diseases, we had them licked
Vaccinate, misinformation had some people tricked
Vaccinate, as a result, they became less strict
Vaccinate, and measles has horrible pain to inflict
Oh, oh, oh, oh, vaccinate, time to kick measles right in the dick

And the easiest way to comply
Is to immunise you and I

Vaccinate, don’t risk our kids over some old hoax
Vaccinate, polio’s no fun for any folks
Vaccinate, we could get HPV on the ropes
Vaccinate, see if it’s time for your booster dose

Oh, oh, oh, oh, vaccinate give these diseases the adios

Vaccinate, sometimes the little things help the most

(c) 2019

Terms (and Conditions) of Endearment

Really not feeling the love on the motorcycle forums lately, but, this being the internet, that’s okay because I’ve found ready and open arms elsewhere. Being Valentines Day and whatnot, here’s a satirical take on that, through the complete exploitation of the otherwise excellent Tim Minchin song If You Really Loved Me.

If You Nearly Loved Me

Sharing is caring, and if you were daring
You’d carve our initials into a police-bike’s faring
Yes, I know, this fleet is being phased out
But pedantry’s not what love is about
If you loved me unconditionally
You’d devise a scheme such as this for me

Because we go together
Like kisses and hugs
Like Twitter and cheap vodka
Like footballers and drugs
And if you had me in your heart
Then you wouldn’t fob me off, and force me to start
A blog on your attitude – if that’s what I have to do
Perhaps you’d show, oh I don’t know, a little more gratitude?!
But hey that’s crazy, I’m sure we’ll be fine
Our destinies being intertwined

We’re a natural fit
Like a troll and a n00b
Like derp and YouTube comments
Like Instagram and food
And if you really wanted to flesh out your role
You’d vote for my friend in all their online polls
Which I don’t consider to be cheating
Sometimes the odds could do with some tweaking
I’m not trying to make a fuss
Just trying to make a future for us

I crave you
The way a blogger craves attention
Or a rider craves a twisty road
Or an incel craves affection

And if you love me as mentioned before
You’ll agree there’s room for one more
And who doesn’t like to share a dessert
That has low self esteem and a tight-fitting shirt
You and I share a sweet tooth
But the pudding is where you’ll find the proof
And love is not always syrup and dumplings
There’s likes, follows, DMs and leg-humping
And no one said love is easy
But if you love me as much as you say
You’ll bring home some take-away

We belong together
Like an activist and a dream
Like a slactkivist and a meme
Like a hacktivist and a scheme

And if you feel romantically inclined
Then, by all means, defend my honour online
And challenge my opponents to a pistol duel
When I find their comments hurtful or cruel
Should the old-fashion pistols themselves attract scorn,
Then track-days, or flame wars, or wheelies at dawn
Are all okay too
It’s what lovers do

We’re a true pairing
Like festivals and pills
Like Gore-tex and Kevlar
Like swerves and oil-spills

And if our love is on the right path
You’ll give my Ninja ZX-R a lovely bath
Surely a wax is not that much to ask
Just a little work to clear up a few scrapes and scuffs
An oil change, a chain lube, a polish and buff
If you cared about me, you’d take care of that stuff
To free up my time while I watch MotoGP
If you loved me unconditionally

(c) 2019

A Taylor-made Lesson Plan

Amazingly, this is more fun that rewriting the Integrated Science program.

My take on the Taylor Swift earworm ‘Shake It Off’ (long story short: haters gonna H8, teachers gonna procrastin8)

Teach Them All

I get too much pay, too much holidays,
That’s what people say, mmm hmm, that’s what people say, mmm hmmm
It must be easy, workin’ nine to three
That’s what they tell me, mmm hmm, that’s what they tell me, mmm hmm
But I keep on stressin’, planning science lessons
It’s like I got this voice in my mind saying no student left behind

‘Cause the haters gonna bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch
And the kids are gonna twitch, twitch, twitch, twitch, twitch
Baby, I’m just gonna teach, teach, teach, teach, teach,
Teach them all, teach them all
Daydreamers try to sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep
And the naughty kids will sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak
Baby, I’m just gonna teach, teach, teach, teach, teach,

Teach them all, teach them all

I take the highs and lows, it keeps me on my toes
And that’s the way it goes mmm hmm, that’s the way it goes mmm hmm
I firmly plant my feet, I won’t let these kids retreat
And that’s what no one sees mmm hmm, that’s what they don’t see mmm hmm
But I’m in their corner, always pushing forward
It’s like I got this voice in my mind saying no student left behind

‘Cause the haters gonna bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch
And the kids are gonna twitch, twitch, twitch, twitch, twitch
Baby, I’m just gonna teach, teach, teach, teach, teach,
Teach them all, teach them all
Daydreamers try to sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep
And the naughty kids will sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak
Baby, I’m just gonna teach, teach, teach, teach, teach,

Teach them all, teach them all

I teach them all, teach them all
I teach them all, teach them all
I, I teach them all, I teach them all
I, I teach them all, I teach them all
I, I teach them all, I teach them all

Hey, hey, hey
Just think while I’ve used several weekends writing well-thought out report comments that some parents won’t ever read

You could have been getting down to
this
fresh
take

Your first-born, your true pride and joy
Is a rude little boy, but I’m still gonna teach him
And your twelve-year-old niece
Rolls her eyes and says “whatever”
I’m gonna teach her too, because I know she can do better 

‘Cause the haters gonna bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch
And the kids are gonna twitch, twitch, twitch, twitch, twitch
Baby, I’m just gonna teach, teach, teach, teach, teach,

Teach them all, teach them all

Daydreamers try to sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep
And the naughty kids will sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak
Baby, I’m just gonna teach, teach, teach, teach, teach,
I teach them all, I teach them all
I teach them all, I teach them all
I, I teach them all, I teach them all
I, I teach them all, I teach them all
I, I teach them all, I teach them all
I teach them all, I teach them all
I, I teach them all, I teach them all
I, I teach them all, I teach them all
I, I teach them all, I teach them all

(c) 2019

 

Happy Morty-Seventh Birthday, Elroy*^

* You don’t look a day over Morty-Five.
^ Alternative blog-post title: DisGraceland.

Anyway, here’s a little parody of the Paul Simon classic You Can Call Me Al.

You Can Call Me Rick

A man walks through a portal
He says, “What are you still doing here?
We gotta get moving now.
Quit whining, I’ll explain on the way
I need some supplies from the garage
We need to cover our tracks
We know the bigger picture
Just like all those
Lawnmower, lawnmower
Dogs becoming astronauts
Preventing the inevitable cross-species war”
I’m Mr. Meeseeks, Look at me!
Release me from this misery
You know, I don’t think this is all worth Jerry’s lower golf score

If you’ll be my protégé
I can be your new yard stick
I can call you Morty
And Morty, when you call me
You can call me Rick

A man runs from an assassin
He says, “What is the point of affection?
A neurochemical misdirection
To keep our species humming along
There’s no promiscuity
When your old flame is Unity
Who’ll comfort our old selves
Now that our old selves are
Gone, gone?
Buried in our own backyard
By our other new selves next to Snuffles’ old toys
All alone, alone”
There were quantum entanglements
There were overlapping timelines

If you’re an enabler
I can be an alcoholic
I can call you Morty
And Morty, when you call me
You can call me Rick
Call me Rick

A man calls to his family
They approach him sceptically
He’s avoiding therapy
With this new pickle stunt, but Beth’s a step ahead
She takes the antidote
He fights, then wears, a cockroach
He looks around, around
He sees weapons in the debris
Every swirling possibility
He says, “I’m Pickle Riiick!”

If you hold me in high regard
I’ll free you from the everyday shtick
I can call you Morty
And Morty, when you call me
You can call me Rick
Call me
Na na na na …

If you’ll be my protégé

I can be your new yard stick

I can call you Morty

Bon Joviality

WORTH IT just for the title,

[My take on internet chatroom decorum and the lack thereof, by way of parody of the Bon Jovi song Bad Medicine].

Bad Etiquette
Your post has such bad etiquette
Bad etiquette is all I see
Fix it up, all this bad etiquette
I’ve missed your point because you’re so hard to read
Bad etiquette

I don’t need no spell check ‘cos this ain’t no exam
But I’ll give it one more read and then I’ll fix what I can
And I got lots to say and I’m in kind of a rush
But a second to punctuate always lends the right touch
And I’ve got my own system and it helps things so much:

First you check
(That what you’re saying hasn’t just been said)
How’s the depth?
(Are you qualified or over your head?)
Now take a breath(Would it be different if you weren’t seeing red?)
And now I can’t be sure that you’re not trolling the thread
Whoah-oh-oh

Your post has such bad etiquette
Bad etiquette is all I see
Fix it up all this bad etiquette
I’ve missed your point because you’re so hard to read
Bad, bad etiquette

I DON’T NEED TO SHOUT OUT WITH ALL CAPS TO GET SEEN
And I don’t need five exclamation marks ‘cause I’m not thirteen!!!!!
I got a dirty down addiction that I don’t want to cure
And your petulant posturings don’t add to your allure
All those lolz and GIFs just make you hard to endure

First you check
(Is the thread marked Not-Safe-For-Work)
How’s your depth
(Will you be regarded with no more than a smirk)
Now take a breath
(Are you so cranky you’re becoming a jerk?)
Now you’re just the tool that’s clogging up the network
Whoah-oh-oh

Your post has such bad etiquette
Bad etiquette is all I see
Fix it up, all this bad etiquette
I’ve missed your point because you’re so hard to read
Bad, bad etiquette is all I see
Bad, bad etiquette is all I see

(guitar solo)

i need 2 rest up later cos im feeling fatigued cos ive bean staring 4 an our and its not from intrigue you must lern sum etiquette and ur not their yet then ur readers mite think ur finally showing them respect lol

Your post has such bad etiquette
Bad etiquette is all I see
Fix it up, all this bad etiquette
I’ve missed your point because you’re so hard to read

Your post has such bad etiquette
Bad etiquette is all I see
Fix it up, all this bad etiquette
I’ve missed your point because you’re so hard to read
Bad, bad etiquette, is all I see
Bad, bad etiquette

I gotta post, I gotta, I gotta post, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta
I gotta have the last word, wait a minute, wait a minute
Hold on, pop-corn
One more time, with feeling, thread bump
Alright, IBTL

Your post has such bad etiquette
Bad etiquette is all I see
Fix it up, all this bad etiquette
I’ve missed your point because you’re so hard to read
Your post, bad etiquette
A quick check is all you need

 

 

Riding Close to the Edge

[ A parody of the U2 song All I Want is You, first posted on a motorcycling forum a few years back]

You say you want
The bruises to go away
You say you want
To get through the next ride unscathed

For all the facetious things I say
From the persona that I portray
When all I want is you

You say you’ll give me
A group ride with no civilians
A forum with no pillions
Rep plus eleventy billion

You say you’ll give me
A shared joke amongst good friends
A journey with some sharp bends
Grammar that doesn’t offend

All the ninja edits that I make
The rants and the piss-takes
When all I want is you

You say you want
To understand me clearly
To impress me with a wheelie

You say you want
Time to chill out with me
Threads that aren’t so bitchy
A ride that’s fast and twisty

All the newbies and the trolls
All the emoticons and lols
When all I want is you

You say you want
Good riding weather today
The mods to look the other way
A post that isn’t an essay

You say you’ll give me
Secrets with no regrets
Brakes that work in the wet
Nine thousand Internets

Of all the promises I break
You’re my worst and best mistake
When all I want is you