Terms (and Conditions) of Endearment

Really not feeling the love on the motorcycle forums lately, but, this being the internet, that’s okay because I’ve found ready and open arms elsewhere. Being Valentines Day and whatnot, here’s a satirical take on that, through the complete exploitation of the otherwise excellent Tim Minchin song If You Really Loved Me.

If You Nearly Loved Me

Sharing is caring, and if you were daring
You’d carve our initials into a police-bike’s faring
Yes, I know, this fleet is being phased out
But pedantry’s not what love is about
If you loved me unconditionally
You’d devise a scheme such as this for me

Because we go together
Like kisses and hugs
Like Twitter and cheap vodka
Like footballers and drugs
And if you had me in your heart
Then you wouldn’t fob me off, and force me to start
A blog on your attitude – if that’s what I have to do
Perhaps you’d show, oh I don’t know, a little more gratitude?!
But hey that’s crazy, I’m sure we’ll be fine
Our destinies being intertwined

We’re a natural fit
Like a troll and a n00b
Like derp and YouTube comments
Like Instagram and food
And if you really wanted to flesh out your role
You’d vote for my friend in all their online polls
Which I don’t consider to be cheating
Sometimes the odds could do with some tweaking
I’m not trying to make a fuss
Just trying to make a future for us

I crave you
The way a blogger craves attention
Or a rider craves a twisty road
Or an incel craves affection

And if you love me as mentioned before
You’ll agree there’s room for one more
And who doesn’t like to share a dessert
That has low self esteem and a tight-fitting shirt
You and I share a sweet tooth
But the pudding is where you’ll find the proof
And love is not always syrup and dumplings
There’s likes, follows, DMs and leg-humping
And no one said love is easy
But if you love me as much as you say
You’ll bring home some take-away

We belong together
Like an activist and a dream
Like a slactkivist and a meme
Like a hacktivist and a scheme

And if you feel romantically inclined
Then, by all means, defend my honour online
And challenge my opponents to a pistol duel
When I find their comments hurtful or cruel
Should the old-fashion pistols themselves attract scorn,
Then track-days, or flame wars, or wheelies at dawn
Are all okay too
It’s what lovers do

We’re a true pairing
Like festivals and pills
Like Gore-tex and Kevlar
Like swerves and oil-spills

And if our love is on the right path
You’ll give my Ninja ZX-R a lovely bath
Surely a wax is not that much to ask
Just a little work to clear up a few scrapes and scuffs
An oil change, a chain lube, a polish and buff
If you cared about me, you’d take care of that stuff
To free up my time while I watch MotoGP
If you loved me unconditionally

(c) 2019

Riding Close to the Edge

[ A parody of the U2 song All I Want is You, first posted on a motorcycling forum a few years back]

You say you want
The bruises to go away
You say you want
To get through the next ride unscathed

For all the facetious things I say
From the persona that I portray
When all I want is you

You say you’ll give me
A group ride with no civilians
A forum with no pillions
Rep plus eleventy billion

You say you’ll give me
A shared joke amongst good friends
A journey with some sharp bends
Grammar that doesn’t offend

All the ninja edits that I make
The rants and the piss-takes
When all I want is you

You say you want
To understand me clearly
To impress me with a wheelie

You say you want
Time to chill out with me
Threads that aren’t so bitchy
A ride that’s fast and twisty

All the newbies and the trolls
All the emoticons and lols
When all I want is you

You say you want
Good riding weather today
The mods to look the other way
A post that isn’t an essay

You say you’ll give me
Secrets with no regrets
Brakes that work in the wet
Nine thousand Internets

Of all the promises I break
You’re my worst and best mistake
When all I want is you